mboost-dp1
Joke Tråden
Just try this. It is from an orthopaedic surgeon. This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you cant. Its pre-programmed in your brain!
1. While sitting there at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles, do this for at least three seconds.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right Hand. Your foot will change direction.
I told you so !!! And theres nothing you can do about it !!!!
You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if youve not already done so.
1. While sitting there at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles, do this for at least three seconds.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right Hand. Your foot will change direction.
I told you so !!! And theres nothing you can do about it !!!!
You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if youve not already done so.
Two old friends were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.
They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the mens game.
Dont they know their supposed to let us play through?! asked the first man.
The other man shook his head. Im going to go ask them if we can play through, said the first man, emphatically, Enough is enough!
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
Oh God, he said to his friend, This is awful. Youre going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!
The other man shrugged, and said No sweat.
He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said Small world isnt it!
They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the mens game.
Dont they know their supposed to let us play through?! asked the first man.
The other man shook his head. Im going to go ask them if we can play through, said the first man, emphatically, Enough is enough!
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
Oh God, he said to his friend, This is awful. Youre going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!
The other man shrugged, and said No sweat.
He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said Small world isnt it!
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psychopath.
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids.
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Cinco.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef..
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover ?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack , Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psychopath.
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids.
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Cinco.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef..
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover ?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack , Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
1.. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
2.. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
3. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
4.. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, just try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
5. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes.That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish,and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
8. If you lend someone 20 and never see that person again, it was
probably well worth it.
9. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
10. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
11.. Good judgement comes from bad experience - and most of that comes from bad judgement.
12 A closed mouth gathers no foot
13. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women.Neither one works.
14. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
15.. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
16We are born naked, wet and hungry and get slapped on our butt, then things just keep getting worse.
17. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2.. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
3. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
4.. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, just try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
5. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes.That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish,and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
8. If you lend someone 20 and never see that person again, it was
probably well worth it.
9. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
10. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
11.. Good judgement comes from bad experience - and most of that comes from bad judgement.
12 A closed mouth gathers no foot
13. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women.Neither one works.
14. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
15.. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
16We are born naked, wet and hungry and get slapped on our butt, then things just keep getting worse.
17. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
DiZaster (161) skrev:1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
Det minder mig lidt om denne her.
After an exciting, hot, nice 69 with his girlfriend, Paul remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times & on top of that 2 liters of Listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he sucked on 5 strong mints.
His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed, he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough and said "Man! Did you have to do 69 before you came in here?" Paul said "Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist replied "No, but your forehead smells like shit!"
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times & on top of that 2 liters of Listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he sucked on 5 strong mints.
His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed, he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough and said "Man! Did you have to do 69 before you came in here?" Paul said "Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist replied "No, but your forehead smells like shit!"
A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma.
One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.
Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma.
The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.
Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma.
The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam '
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam '
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.
No, he says, It's empty.
Incredible! says the other man. Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?
Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we havent been to together since we got married.
Oh Im sorry to hear that. Thats terrible. But couldnt you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour ...?
The man shakes his head. No. They're all at the funeral...
No, he says, It's empty.
Incredible! says the other man. Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?
Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we havent been to together since we got married.
Oh Im sorry to hear that. Thats terrible. But couldnt you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour ...?
The man shakes his head. No. They're all at the funeral...
A WOMANS POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's rich and self-employed
And when I spend, wont be annoyed
Pull out my chair and hold my hand
Massage my feet and help me stand
Oh send a king to make me queen
A man who loves to cook and clean
I pray this man will love no other
And relish visits with my mother
A MANS POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big breasts who owns a bar on a golf course, loves to send me fishing and drinking and this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Before I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's rich and self-employed
And when I spend, wont be annoyed
Pull out my chair and hold my hand
Massage my feet and help me stand
Oh send a king to make me queen
A man who loves to cook and clean
I pray this man will love no other
And relish visits with my mother
A MANS POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big breasts who owns a bar on a golf course, loves to send me fishing and drinking and this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
This blond goes to the post office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."
The clerk says it will be $50, and she replies "But I don't have any money.... and I must get a message to her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to her." The clerk replies "Anything?".
"Yes.... ANYTHING!" replies the blond. He leads her back to his office and closes the door.
He tells her to kneel in front of him. "Unzip me..." She does. "Take it out..... go ahead." She does this as well.
She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead... do it..."
She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"
The clerk says it will be $50, and she replies "But I don't have any money.... and I must get a message to her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to her." The clerk replies "Anything?".
"Yes.... ANYTHING!" replies the blond. He leads her back to his office and closes the door.
He tells her to kneel in front of him. "Unzip me..." She does. "Take it out..... go ahead." She does this as well.
She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead... do it..."
She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"
a black baby died and went to heaven
and god looked at him and said, "you've earned your wings"
and gave the black baby wings
the black baby look up and said, "am i really an angel now?"
and God looked down and said,
"HELL NAW, NIGGA, YOU A BAT"
....
bat baby!.... nanananananaan BAT BABY!!!
and god looked at him and said, "you've earned your wings"
and gave the black baby wings
the black baby look up and said, "am i really an angel now?"
and God looked down and said,
"HELL NAW, NIGGA, YOU A BAT"
....
bat baby!.... nanananananaan BAT BABY!!!
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word.
So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance.
Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word.
So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance.
Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"
I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned, 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T .......
I used to like the little bastard.
So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned, 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T .......
I used to like the little bastard.
One boys first time with a condom, he was 16 or so.
He went in to buy a packet of condoms at the local pharmacy.There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that he was new at it.
She handed him the package and asked if he knew how to wear one. He honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.
So she un-wrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned him to make sure it was on tight and secure.
He apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking his hand, she led him into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.'Do these firm breasts excite you?' She asked.Well, he was so dumb-struck that all he could do was nod his head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As he was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.
'So he climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, he could no longer hold back and KAPOW, he was done within a few moments.
She looked at him with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.
'I sure did,' he said and held up his thumb to show her.
He went in to buy a packet of condoms at the local pharmacy.There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that he was new at it.
She handed him the package and asked if he knew how to wear one. He honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.
So she un-wrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned him to make sure it was on tight and secure.
He apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking his hand, she led him into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.'Do these firm breasts excite you?' She asked.Well, he was so dumb-struck that all he could do was nod his head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As he was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.
'So he climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, he could no longer hold back and KAPOW, he was done within a few moments.
She looked at him with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.
'I sure did,' he said and held up his thumb to show her.
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son::
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son::
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
I love you,
Vinnie
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son::
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son::
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
I love you,
Vinnie
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two
black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of
the cows had something white at its rear end.'
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's
butt
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks
like yours!"
I don't remember much after that'
black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of
the cows had something white at its rear end.'
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's
butt
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks
like yours!"
I don't remember much after that'
A dying grandmother told her granddaughter, "Dear, I want you to inherit my farm, my villa, my tractor, the farmhouse and all my livestock." "Wow!" said her granddaughter. "Thanks, Grandma. I didn't know you even had all that stuff. Where is it?" Grandma replied, "On Facebook!"
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure,"
So they start playing and enjoying the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asks the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hitman"
"You're joking!"
"No, " he says reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"Do you mind if I take a look? I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picks up the rifle and looks through in the Direction of the house
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.
Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour In there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, a thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two now?"
"Sure."
"Shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbour, supposed to be my friend, just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman takes the rifle and aims standing perfectly still.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Patience," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand....."
"Sure,"
So they start playing and enjoying the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asks the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hitman"
"You're joking!"
"No, " he says reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"Do you mind if I take a look? I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picks up the rifle and looks through in the Direction of the house
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.
Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour In there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, a thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two now?"
"Sure."
"Shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbour, supposed to be my friend, just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman takes the rifle and aims standing perfectly still.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Patience," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand....."
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5,000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "Hey, that one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. The tourist gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen him do anything, but apparently he's a project manager".
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "Hey, that one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. The tourist gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen him do anything, but apparently he's a project manager".
Kvindetyper i en IT Verden
Tidligere var der 'de traditionelle', 'de frigjorte', 'rødstrømperne'
etc.
Men det er jo håbløst gamle udtryk, der derfor er opdateret og
digitaliseret.
Her nogle af de nye kvindetyper:
HARDDISK-KVINDEN
Hun husker alt, FOR EVIGT!
RAM-KVINDEN
Hun glemmer dig, så snart hun ikke er tændt mere.
WINDOWS-KVINDEN
Alle ved at hun ikke kan gøre noget korrekt, men ingen kan leve uden hende.
EXCEL-KVINDEN
Det siges, hun kan en masse dejlige ting, men du bruger hende kun til de fire mest basale behov.
SCREENSAVER-KVINDEN
Hun kan intet, men hun ser i det mindste godt ud!
INTERNET-KVINDEN
Svær at få adgang til.
SERVER-KVINDEN
Altid optaget når du har brug for hende.
MULTIMEDIA-KVINDEN
Hun får frygtelige ting til at se godt ud.
PC-HØJTTALER-KVINDEN
Der kommer intet ud af hende, der er værd at høre på.
FLADSKÆRMS-KVINDEN
Lækker og tynd - men ALT for dyr i anskaffelse.
TASTATUR-KVINDEN
Du tror, du taster på alle de rigtige taster, men hun har en HELT anden opfattelse!
FLOPPYDISK-KVINDEN
Lille, handy og billig i anskaffelse, men har absolut ingen fremtid.
CD-ROM-KVINDEN
Det bliver hurtigere og hurtigere overstået...
VIRUS-KVINDEN
Også kendt som "HUSTRU"; når du ikke venter hende, kommer hun og installerer sig selv og bruger alle dine ressourcer. Hvis du prøver at afinstallere hende mister du ALT!
Tidligere var der 'de traditionelle', 'de frigjorte', 'rødstrømperne'
etc.
Men det er jo håbløst gamle udtryk, der derfor er opdateret og
digitaliseret.
Her nogle af de nye kvindetyper:
HARDDISK-KVINDEN
Hun husker alt, FOR EVIGT!
RAM-KVINDEN
Hun glemmer dig, så snart hun ikke er tændt mere.
WINDOWS-KVINDEN
Alle ved at hun ikke kan gøre noget korrekt, men ingen kan leve uden hende.
EXCEL-KVINDEN
Det siges, hun kan en masse dejlige ting, men du bruger hende kun til de fire mest basale behov.
SCREENSAVER-KVINDEN
Hun kan intet, men hun ser i det mindste godt ud!
INTERNET-KVINDEN
Svær at få adgang til.
SERVER-KVINDEN
Altid optaget når du har brug for hende.
MULTIMEDIA-KVINDEN
Hun får frygtelige ting til at se godt ud.
PC-HØJTTALER-KVINDEN
Der kommer intet ud af hende, der er værd at høre på.
FLADSKÆRMS-KVINDEN
Lækker og tynd - men ALT for dyr i anskaffelse.
TASTATUR-KVINDEN
Du tror, du taster på alle de rigtige taster, men hun har en HELT anden opfattelse!
FLOPPYDISK-KVINDEN
Lille, handy og billig i anskaffelse, men har absolut ingen fremtid.
CD-ROM-KVINDEN
Det bliver hurtigere og hurtigere overstået...
VIRUS-KVINDEN
Også kendt som "HUSTRU"; når du ikke venter hende, kommer hun og installerer sig selv og bruger alle dine ressourcer. Hvis du prøver at afinstallere hende mister du ALT!
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I would have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65 for makeup.
I asked her, how come I had to give up stuff, when she didn't?
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.
I told her, that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back...
Then I caught her spending $65 for makeup.
I asked her, how come I had to give up stuff, when she didn't?
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.
I told her, that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back...
En fysiker, en biolog og en matematiker sidder og betragter et hus. Så ser de to mennesker gå ind i huset - men til gengæld tre, der forlader det.
Fysikeren konkluderer: "Vi må have lavet en fejl i en af målingerne".
Biologen siger: "De må have formeret sig!".
Matematikeren mener til gengæld: "Hvis der nu går en person ind i huset, er det tomt igen".
Fysikeren konkluderer: "Vi må have lavet en fejl i en af målingerne".
Biologen siger: "De må have formeret sig!".
Matematikeren mener til gengæld: "Hvis der nu går en person ind i huset, er det tomt igen".
moveax1ret (185) skrev:jeg gav min kæreste en kæmpe orgasme igår..................men hun spytede den bare ud
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_J-GmtTmLadI/Sey3w6z_DWI/...
Q: Did you hear about the bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake came out of the girl.
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
What do you get when you put a baby in a microwave?
An erection.
What do niggers and apples have in common?
They both look darn good hanging from a tree.
Why did the girl throw her hamster out the window?
She had down syndrom which is a chromosomal disorder caused by the presence of all or part of an extra 21st chromosome. The condition is characterized by a combination of major and minor differences in structure. Often Down syndrome is associated with some impairment of cognitive ability and physical growth as well as facial appearance.
Whats the hardest thing about nailing a baby to a wall?
My dick while im doing it.
Why do they boil water when a woman is giving birth?
In case it dies they can make soup.
A jew, a muslim and a nigger walk into a bar.
The bartender says 'get the fuck out'
A thirteen year old girl from kentucky writes dear abbey and says, "I'm a thirteen year old girl and I'm still a virgin, do you think my brothers are gay?"
A paraplegic walks-
An alcoholic walks into a bar-
A mute walks into a bar and says-
A pair of siamese twins walk into a bar and say "I'll-"
A muslim walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer-
A Hindu walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a hamburger-"
A Jew walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a cheeseburger-
A deaf man walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a cheeseburger" and the barkeep says-
A blind man walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a cheeseburger" and the barkeep says "Hey, look-"
A transsexual walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a cheeseburger" and the barkeep says "Hey, look, it's-"
A feminist walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a cheeseburger" and the barkeep says "Hey, look, it's the guy-"
An Irishman walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a cheeseburger" and the barkeep says "Hey, look, it's the guy we don't have to worry about offending!"
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you told her twice already.
What do you call a woman with one black eye? A good listener.
What does a woman do when she gets home from the hospital?
The fucking dishes, if she knows what's good for her.
How do you save a black person from drowning?
Take your foot off the back of their head
What is the difference between a dead baby and a corvette?
I don't have a corvette in my garage
Why do black people have nightmares?
We killed the only one with a dream
97% of dangerous driving offences are committed by men.
You know what that means?
3% are committed by... Bloody. Women. Drivers
What did the deaf, blind and dumb boy get for Christmas?
Cancer
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she is a women.
whats the diff between a picture of jesus and jesus?
the picture only takes one nail to hang up
what did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand?
So she can moan with the other.
what is even funnier than trowing a baby of a cliff?
trying to catch it with a pitchfork
what would you call the flintstones if they were black?
Niggers
What do you call a blank piece of paper?
Womens rights
Why does Beyonce sing "To the left, to the left"?
Because black people have no rights.
What's the difference between a bench and a nigger?
A bench can support a family.
What should you do if you find a seriously wounded black man from your backyard?
Stop laughing and shoot him again.
What do you buy from a nigger at a garage sale?
Your bike
why does a banana not like niggers?
to get to the other side
What's the only holliday that white people celebrate that niggers can't?
Father's Day.
Whats the diffrence between a bucket of shit and a nigger?
the bucket
What's black and comes in small cans?
Michael Jackson
You guys ever had Ethiopian food?
No?
Neither have they.
What do Ethiopian children do at night?
Starve.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
So three 8th graders are pissing the the bathroom and they become
curious and decide to see who's dick is the biggest.
The first two kids pull out their dicks and decide that the second
kid's dick is the biggest.
Then the third kid, who was black, pulled out his dick.
"Wow" said the other two 8th graders. "You have the biggest dick by far!"
The black 8th grader goes home full of pride. He walks up to his mom and says,
"Hey mom me and the other kids at school today compared dicks and
my dick is the biggest by far! Is that because I'm black?"
"No honey," replied his mother. "It's because you're 23."
whats the difference between dead baby and watermelon?
you dont fuck watermelon before you eat it.
whos the best jewish cook
Hitler
Whats the easiest way to make your dick look bigger?
Put it in a three year old.
How did the grand canyon form?
Some one chucked a penny down a rabbit hole in a jewish colony
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew the lightbulb
What do you call a nigger with no arms?
Trustworthy.
Why do niggers walk so funny?
You would too if you spent the first nine months of your life dodging a coathanger.
What do jews yell in the bus?
"Hit the gas pedal!"
What's better than winning Gold at the Paralympics?
Walking
What's the difference between a nigger and a pepperoni pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
how do you get elton john to sleep with a woman?
shit in her cunt
Why dont jewish women like giving blow jobs?
Its a bit too close to the gas chamber
What's the difference between a truck full of sand and a truck full of babies?
You can't unload the truck full of sand with a pitchfork.
What happens when you put a baby in a microwave?
I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.
What's the no. 1 cause of pedofilia?
Sexy children
How do you stop your next-door neighbours kids from jumping your fence?
Molest them
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
I'll see you next month
Why did the showers at Auschwitz have 11 holes?
Because Jews have ten fingers
I actually have a black person in my family tree you know
he's been hanging there for quite a while!!
We had a black out in our street last night....... we had him arrested
I just drank some mountain dew.
It was diet.
What's the difference between Sarah Palin and a washing machine?
You can bung you load in a washing machine and it wont drop out a retarded baby.
How many kids does the average Austrian have?
2GB.
What's the best thing about showering with a 10 year old girl?
Once her hair gets wet she looks like she's 8.
What's the best thing about sex with a 10 year old girl?
Flip her over and it's a 10 year old boy.
What's the difference between a driveway and a five year old boy?
I don't care if the cops catch me pulling out of a driveway.
How do you get a nigger our of a tree?
Cut the rope
Q: What is red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A: baby in a microwave.
Q: How long does it take to kill a baby in a microwave?
A: How the fuck should I know? I was too busy masturbating.
Q: What is red and creeping up your legs?
A: A homesick abortion!
Q: What should you do when your baby is stuck in a blender?
A: Use a straw.
Q: What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of babies?
A: You can't unload bowling balls with a pitch fork
Q: How long does it take to paint a room with dead babies?
A: Depends how hard you throw em.
Q: What is funnier than a dead baby?
A: A dead baby next to a kid with downs syndrome
Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Porsche?
A: I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
Q: Why do they boil water when a woman is giving birth?
A: If it's born dead they can make soup.
Q: Why shouldn't you slit open a baby's throat?
A: You might cut your dick.
New mother: Doctor, doctor, is my baby alright?
Doctor: I have some good news, and I have some bad news.
New mother: Tell me the bad news first.
Doctor: The bad news is, it's a ginger.
New mother: Oh my God, no!
Doctor: Calm down, miss. The good news is, it's dead.
What happened when the black guy looked up his family tree?
A gorilla shit on his face.
What's the best thing about getting a blowjob from an ethiopian chick?
You know she's gonna swallow
What's the difference between a nine year old girl and a lamborghini?
You can't get three guys in a lamborghini
Why did the chicken cross the road?
You'd run two if a nigger was chasing you.
Q: What's the difference between my girlfriend and a dead baby?
A: I don't kiss my girlfriend after sex.
What's long and hard on a nigger
The first grade
What's harder than nailing a baby to a tree?
Taking it back down.
what's the worst part about fucking a six year old?
cleaning the blood off your clown suit.
Whats red and white and gets smaller and smaller?
A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.
how do you stop a rhino charging?
take away its credit card.
how do you stop a nigger charging?
shoot him.
How do you know your Girlfriend is too young?
When you have to make airplane noises to get her to open her mouth
Repost, men bedre end med pedos imho:
What's the difference between a priest and acne?
Acne waits until you're 13 before it comes in your face.
A: The cake came out of the girl.
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
What do you get when you put a baby in a microwave?
An erection.
What do niggers and apples have in common?
They both look darn good hanging from a tree.
Why did the girl throw her hamster out the window?
She had down syndrom which is a chromosomal disorder caused by the presence of all or part of an extra 21st chromosome. The condition is characterized by a combination of major and minor differences in structure. Often Down syndrome is associated with some impairment of cognitive ability and physical growth as well as facial appearance.
Whats the hardest thing about nailing a baby to a wall?
My dick while im doing it.
Why do they boil water when a woman is giving birth?
In case it dies they can make soup.
A jew, a muslim and a nigger walk into a bar.
The bartender says 'get the fuck out'
A thirteen year old girl from kentucky writes dear abbey and says, "I'm a thirteen year old girl and I'm still a virgin, do you think my brothers are gay?"
A paraplegic walks-
An alcoholic walks into a bar-
A mute walks into a bar and says-
A pair of siamese twins walk into a bar and say "I'll-"
A muslim walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer-
A Hindu walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a hamburger-"
A Jew walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a cheeseburger-
A deaf man walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a cheeseburger" and the barkeep says-
A blind man walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a cheeseburger" and the barkeep says "Hey, look-"
A transsexual walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a cheeseburger" and the barkeep says "Hey, look, it's-"
A feminist walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a cheeseburger" and the barkeep says "Hey, look, it's the guy-"
An Irishman walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a cheeseburger" and the barkeep says "Hey, look, it's the guy we don't have to worry about offending!"
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you told her twice already.
What do you call a woman with one black eye? A good listener.
What does a woman do when she gets home from the hospital?
The fucking dishes, if she knows what's good for her.
How do you save a black person from drowning?
Take your foot off the back of their head
What is the difference between a dead baby and a corvette?
I don't have a corvette in my garage
Why do black people have nightmares?
We killed the only one with a dream
97% of dangerous driving offences are committed by men.
You know what that means?
3% are committed by... Bloody. Women. Drivers
What did the deaf, blind and dumb boy get for Christmas?
Cancer
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she is a women.
whats the diff between a picture of jesus and jesus?
the picture only takes one nail to hang up
what did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand?
So she can moan with the other.
what is even funnier than trowing a baby of a cliff?
trying to catch it with a pitchfork
what would you call the flintstones if they were black?
Niggers
What do you call a blank piece of paper?
Womens rights
Why does Beyonce sing "To the left, to the left"?
Because black people have no rights.
What's the difference between a bench and a nigger?
A bench can support a family.
What should you do if you find a seriously wounded black man from your backyard?
Stop laughing and shoot him again.
What do you buy from a nigger at a garage sale?
Your bike
why does a banana not like niggers?
to get to the other side
What's the only holliday that white people celebrate that niggers can't?
Father's Day.
Whats the diffrence between a bucket of shit and a nigger?
the bucket
What's black and comes in small cans?
Michael Jackson
You guys ever had Ethiopian food?
No?
Neither have they.
What do Ethiopian children do at night?
Starve.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
So three 8th graders are pissing the the bathroom and they become
curious and decide to see who's dick is the biggest.
The first two kids pull out their dicks and decide that the second
kid's dick is the biggest.
Then the third kid, who was black, pulled out his dick.
"Wow" said the other two 8th graders. "You have the biggest dick by far!"
The black 8th grader goes home full of pride. He walks up to his mom and says,
"Hey mom me and the other kids at school today compared dicks and
my dick is the biggest by far! Is that because I'm black?"
"No honey," replied his mother. "It's because you're 23."
whats the difference between dead baby and watermelon?
you dont fuck watermelon before you eat it.
whos the best jewish cook
Hitler
Whats the easiest way to make your dick look bigger?
Put it in a three year old.
How did the grand canyon form?
Some one chucked a penny down a rabbit hole in a jewish colony
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew the lightbulb
What do you call a nigger with no arms?
Trustworthy.
Why do niggers walk so funny?
You would too if you spent the first nine months of your life dodging a coathanger.
What do jews yell in the bus?
"Hit the gas pedal!"
What's better than winning Gold at the Paralympics?
Walking
What's the difference between a nigger and a pepperoni pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
how do you get elton john to sleep with a woman?
shit in her cunt
Why dont jewish women like giving blow jobs?
Its a bit too close to the gas chamber
What's the difference between a truck full of sand and a truck full of babies?
You can't unload the truck full of sand with a pitchfork.
What happens when you put a baby in a microwave?
I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.
What's the no. 1 cause of pedofilia?
Sexy children
How do you stop your next-door neighbours kids from jumping your fence?
Molest them
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
I'll see you next month
Why did the showers at Auschwitz have 11 holes?
Because Jews have ten fingers
I actually have a black person in my family tree you know
he's been hanging there for quite a while!!
We had a black out in our street last night....... we had him arrested
I just drank some mountain dew.
It was diet.
What's the difference between Sarah Palin and a washing machine?
You can bung you load in a washing machine and it wont drop out a retarded baby.
How many kids does the average Austrian have?
2GB.
What's the best thing about showering with a 10 year old girl?
Once her hair gets wet she looks like she's 8.
What's the best thing about sex with a 10 year old girl?
Flip her over and it's a 10 year old boy.
What's the difference between a driveway and a five year old boy?
I don't care if the cops catch me pulling out of a driveway.
How do you get a nigger our of a tree?
Cut the rope
Q: What is red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A: baby in a microwave.
Q: How long does it take to kill a baby in a microwave?
A: How the fuck should I know? I was too busy masturbating.
Q: What is red and creeping up your legs?
A: A homesick abortion!
Q: What should you do when your baby is stuck in a blender?
A: Use a straw.
Q: What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of babies?
A: You can't unload bowling balls with a pitch fork
Q: How long does it take to paint a room with dead babies?
A: Depends how hard you throw em.
Q: What is funnier than a dead baby?
A: A dead baby next to a kid with downs syndrome
Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Porsche?
A: I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
Q: Why do they boil water when a woman is giving birth?
A: If it's born dead they can make soup.
Q: Why shouldn't you slit open a baby's throat?
A: You might cut your dick.
New mother: Doctor, doctor, is my baby alright?
Doctor: I have some good news, and I have some bad news.
New mother: Tell me the bad news first.
Doctor: The bad news is, it's a ginger.
New mother: Oh my God, no!
Doctor: Calm down, miss. The good news is, it's dead.
What happened when the black guy looked up his family tree?
A gorilla shit on his face.
What's the best thing about getting a blowjob from an ethiopian chick?
You know she's gonna swallow
What's the difference between a nine year old girl and a lamborghini?
You can't get three guys in a lamborghini
Why did the chicken cross the road?
You'd run two if a nigger was chasing you.
Q: What's the difference between my girlfriend and a dead baby?
A: I don't kiss my girlfriend after sex.
What's long and hard on a nigger
The first grade
What's harder than nailing a baby to a tree?
Taking it back down.
what's the worst part about fucking a six year old?
cleaning the blood off your clown suit.
Whats red and white and gets smaller and smaller?
A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.
how do you stop a rhino charging?
take away its credit card.
how do you stop a nigger charging?
shoot him.
How do you know your Girlfriend is too young?
When you have to make airplane noises to get her to open her mouth
Repost, men bedre end med pedos imho:
What's the difference between a priest and acne?
Acne waits until you're 13 before it comes in your face.
Det er sikkert dig, der har skrevet dem.SlettetBruger (188) skrev:#187
Dem synes jeg kan huske at poste herinde i en anden tråd engang. har ledt efter hvor jeg fandt dem ^^
SlettetBruger (188) skrev:#187
Dem synes jeg kan huske at poste herinde i en anden tråd engang. har ledt efter hvor jeg fandt dem ^^
Yep har postet dem før, forstår heller ikke hvad vi skulle med en ny tråd men nu er de da også her :D Har fjernet et par stykker men holder en lille samling: http://makey.biz/legneds/viewtopic.php?f=25&t=...
Ikke at det er noget der er værd at glo på :p
Daniel-Dane (189) skrev:Det er sikkert dig, der har skrevet dem.SlettetBruger (188) skrev:#187
Dem synes jeg kan huske at poste herinde i en anden tråd engang. har ledt efter hvor jeg fandt dem ^^
Jarh, oprindeligt startede de med "Kære dagbog"... :/
Kære dagbog jeg lærte idag hvordan man nemmest får en 5 årig til at græde 2 gange. Nemlig ved tørre pikken af i hendes bamse.
Kære dagbog. Hvis hun kan bløde kan hun føde. Kan hun gå kan hun få. Kan hun kravle må hun kunne avle.
Kære dagbog. Hvis hun kan bløde kan hun føde. Kan hun gå kan hun få. Kan hun kravle må hun kunne avle.
How did the white boy come out of the grocery store with a six pack? He walked in and payed for it.
How do you stop five white guys from raping a white woman? Throw them a golf ball.
How long does it take for a white women to take a crap? 9 months
How many white girls does it take to screw in a light? None, white girls can’t screw.
How many white men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, white men will screw anything.
What did the white woman do after she spilled hot coffee on her legs? File a lawsuit.
What do u call a bunch of white people in a bowl? Crackers
What do you call a bunch of white guys in a circle? A Dope Ring!
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA
what do you call a white woman with a yeast infection? Cracker with cheese.
What does a white man do at the club? Pout while all the colored folk are bumpin’ & grindin’ with all of his fine white bitches.
What does a white man do when he is unhappy with current government decisions? He writes a letter.
What does a white man say when he catches his wife cheating on him? “I forgive you”
What does a white woman and a tampon have in common? They’re both stuck up cunts.
What’s Orange White and Very Beautiful? A WHITE BOY ON FIRE!
What’s the difference between a white man and a snake? One is a evil, cold-blooded, venomous, slimy creature of Satan, and the other is a snake
What’s the flattest surface to iron your jeans on? A white girl’s ass!
What do you call a white bitch shaking her ass?
An ironing board with massage features.
What’s white and fourteen inches long? Absolutely nothing!
White people think T-shirts are underwear.
Why did white people own slaves? They were not strong enough to pick cotton – weak bastards.
Why do so many white people get lost skiing? It’s hard to find them in the snow.
What do you call a blonde with white eyes? Filled up...
What do you call a white boy screaming as dragged down the highway behind a black man’s pickup truck?
A white lane marker.
Why shouldnt white people go swimming?
Because crackers get soggy when wet.
Why can’t white people jump?
Because inbreeding prohibits it.
What do you call 200 white men chasing a black man?
The PGA tour.
What do you call a white man with a sheep under each arm?
A Pimp.
What do you call a bunch of White people in a Swimming Pool?
Rice Bubbles
How is spoiled milk and a fat white girl's legs alike?
They're both white and chunky
What is red, white, and blue, and hangs in my back yard?
A cracker and I can paint him any color I want.
Why do white people like to have sex in front of the mirror?
Objects may be larger than they appear.
What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 30 centimeterdick?Nothing...
They all make your eyes water.
Why cant white men jump? They were too busy making racist jokes.
What do you call a black guy driving a black Cadillac?
Black power.
What do you call a white guy driving a white Cadillac?
White power.
What do you call a Puerto Rican guy driving a blue Cadillac?
Grand Theft Auto.
How do ethnic jokes start?
By looking over both shoulders
How do you stop five white guys from raping a white woman? Throw them a golf ball.
How long does it take for a white women to take a crap? 9 months
How many white girls does it take to screw in a light? None, white girls can’t screw.
How many white men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, white men will screw anything.
What did the white woman do after she spilled hot coffee on her legs? File a lawsuit.
What do u call a bunch of white people in a bowl? Crackers
What do you call a bunch of white guys in a circle? A Dope Ring!
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA
what do you call a white woman with a yeast infection? Cracker with cheese.
What does a white man do at the club? Pout while all the colored folk are bumpin’ & grindin’ with all of his fine white bitches.
What does a white man do when he is unhappy with current government decisions? He writes a letter.
What does a white man say when he catches his wife cheating on him? “I forgive you”
What does a white woman and a tampon have in common? They’re both stuck up cunts.
What’s Orange White and Very Beautiful? A WHITE BOY ON FIRE!
What’s the difference between a white man and a snake? One is a evil, cold-blooded, venomous, slimy creature of Satan, and the other is a snake
What’s the flattest surface to iron your jeans on? A white girl’s ass!
What do you call a white bitch shaking her ass?
An ironing board with massage features.
What’s white and fourteen inches long? Absolutely nothing!
White people think T-shirts are underwear.
Why did white people own slaves? They were not strong enough to pick cotton – weak bastards.
Why do so many white people get lost skiing? It’s hard to find them in the snow.
What do you call a blonde with white eyes? Filled up...
What do you call a white boy screaming as dragged down the highway behind a black man’s pickup truck?
A white lane marker.
Why shouldnt white people go swimming?
Because crackers get soggy when wet.
Why can’t white people jump?
Because inbreeding prohibits it.
What do you call 200 white men chasing a black man?
The PGA tour.
What do you call a white man with a sheep under each arm?
A Pimp.
What do you call a bunch of White people in a Swimming Pool?
Rice Bubbles
How is spoiled milk and a fat white girl's legs alike?
They're both white and chunky
What is red, white, and blue, and hangs in my back yard?
A cracker and I can paint him any color I want.
Why do white people like to have sex in front of the mirror?
Objects may be larger than they appear.
What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 30 centimeterdick?Nothing...
They all make your eyes water.
Why cant white men jump? They were too busy making racist jokes.
What do you call a black guy driving a black Cadillac?
Black power.
What do you call a white guy driving a white Cadillac?
White power.
What do you call a Puerto Rican guy driving a blue Cadillac?
Grand Theft Auto.
How do ethnic jokes start?
By looking over both shoulders
A Mexican, a black, and a white guy are in a bar having a drink when agood-looking girl comes up to them and says "whoever can say liver andcheese in a sentence can have me".
So the white guy says"I love liver and cheese." she says "that's not good enough."
The black says "I hate liver and cheese", and she says "that's notcreative", and then the Mexican says "liver alone cheese mine."
So the white guy says"I love liver and cheese." she says "that's not good enough."
The black says "I hate liver and cheese", and she says "that's notcreative", and then the Mexican says "liver alone cheese mine."
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch prick, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy asks.. “What’s wrong with you?”
In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”
The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch prick, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Turner Brown!…Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, “Turn Around!!”
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy asks.. “What’s wrong with you?”
In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”
The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch prick, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Turner Brown!…Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, “Turn Around!!”
A white guy and a black guy died and were on their way up to Heaven and they had to stop at the Pearly Gates before they could enter.
So the Angel Gabriel was there waiting for them, and he told them that they had to do something before they could go anywhere.
He told the white guy to pull down his pants, so he did and Gabriel grabbed his dick and squeezed. It instantly melted.
The white screamed in pain, and was sent downstairs.
Gabriel told the black guy to do the same, and he grabbed his dick and squeezed but nothing happened.
When Gabriel asked him why it didn't affect him, he said, "This is the type of chocolate that melts in your mouth and not in your hands".
So the Angel Gabriel was there waiting for them, and he told them that they had to do something before they could go anywhere.
He told the white guy to pull down his pants, so he did and Gabriel grabbed his dick and squeezed. It instantly melted.
The white screamed in pain, and was sent downstairs.
Gabriel told the black guy to do the same, and he grabbed his dick and squeezed but nothing happened.
When Gabriel asked him why it didn't affect him, he said, "This is the type of chocolate that melts in your mouth and not in your hands".
Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So the illustrious President asked the class for an example of a
'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him,that would be a tragedy.."
"No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call a
great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a
quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was
struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that
would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama.. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your ass it's probably not an accident."
So the illustrious President asked the class for an example of a
'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him,that would be a tragedy.."
"No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call a
great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a
quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was
struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that
would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama.. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your ass it's probably not an accident."
It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.
Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble.
Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.
His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him.
That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble.
Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.
His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him.
That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
Opret dig som bruger i dag
Det er gratis, og du binder dig ikke til noget.
Når du er oprettet som bruger, får du adgang til en lang række af sidens andre muligheder, såsom at udforme siden efter eget ønske og deltage i diskussionerne.
- Forside
- ⟨
- Forum
- ⟨
- Tagwall
Gå til bund